Work Talks

On bad backs, baked goods as solace

Tue, 15 May 2012 10:05:00 -0700

Elizabeth: Something about my chair is fucking up my back. I keep getting weird jabby pains down my leg. Feels like when you hit your funnybone.
Me: Welcome to my life
Elizabeth: So I know it’s something to do with my sciatic nerve.
Me: it’s your sciatica
Elizabeth: Heh. Yeah.
Me: hahaha, brain twiiiiiins
Elizabeth: Yay!
Elizabeth: Someone needs to buy both of us a coke.
Elizabeth: One of my chiropractors showed me in a diagram once. I’m pretty sure it’s the pressure of all my fat pinching my nerves. ;-)
Elizabeth McNabb: He didn’t SAY it, but…
Me: hahahaha
Elizabeth: There’s a fine line between enough fat to cushion, and enough fat to smother.
Elizabeth: LOL
Me: I’M SORRY I LIKE EATING OKAY
Me: *weeps into a doughnut*
Elizabeth: Hahahaa… I had an awesome visual of my poor little sciatic nerve waving its little arms frantically as it slowly suffocates.
Me: hahahah
Elizabeth: Hahahahahah… tears make doughnuts even better.
Me: Absolutely, it’s that sweet/salty combo.

On idiots, malapropisms

Mon, 14 May 2012 16:35:05 -0700

Elizabeth: DID YOU HEAR what she just said?
Me: No, what?!
Elizabeth: She has to come in early tomorrow for the board meeting, and so Josh said something about seeing her early in the morning and she said, “Oh yes, bushy eyed, but not bright… eyed.”
Elizabeth: She knew it wasn’t quite right, but I don’t think she realized “bushy eyed” is not a thing. Me: HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

On cockblocking family

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 15:12:49 -0700

Me: I could still taste that wine when I woke up this morning
Jon: hehe… it was pretty potent stuff
Me: that was brutal, man
just brutal
I woke up and was like “eugh, toilet breath”
Jon: yup. that wine was full of piss and vinegar
Me: mostly the former
Now I’m picturing your brother opening it to seduce some girl with
Jon: oh true! I should warn him
Me: Don’t
Jon: lol
Me: it’ll be funnier
Jon: that’s so evil… and hilarious
Me: :D
Just be like
“This vintage is really unique. Save it for someone pretentious.”

This is unrelated to the current goings-on of this blog.

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:58:01 -0700

But it is extremely necessary. Everyone needs more cholas in their life.

http://www.cholafied.com

On poor facial hair choices

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 11:08:02 -0700

Elizabeth: Have we spoken to Shamus about his facial hair issues this week?
Me: Oh yes
Me: that was the first thing I addressed when I saw him yesterday
Elizabeth: Oh good.
Me: Apparently he trimmed it so he would be less itchy in his goalie mask
Me: i think his face looks like a shaved vagina
Elizabeth: HAHAHAHAHAHAH
Me: I neglected to share that with him, but I think my distress was evident

On illness being the better option

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 16:36:49 -0700

Elizabeth: She’s so annoying that I would almost rather be home puking again today.
Me: hahahahahahahahahahaah
Elizabeth: Except my puking muscles are so fucking sore today.
Me: okay that’s less funny
Elizabeth: Nah, it’s still funny. Every time I laugh, I end up doing this weird laugh/bark hybrid because it hurts. ;-)
Me: http://www.critterzone.com/animal-pictures-nature/stock-photos/Galapagos-fur-seal-barking-mouth-open-JFMA061310-16.jpg ?
Elizabeth: Hahahahaha… yes.
Elizabeth: I also contort myself like that to try to alleviate the pain.
Me: Does it help?
Me: I bet Mike’s into it
Elizabeth: LOL. Probably. I’ll find out later tonight. :-)
Me: Hahaha, don’t lie
Elizabeth: Well, if he was turned on enough my by illness yesterday to make a move at bedtime, I’m pretty sure he’ll enjoy today’s progression to barking seal. ;-)

On being inappropriate with hot landlords

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:53:45 -0800

Me: My hot landlord is stopping by to get some mail from me today

Me: Roetard and I have been discussing how I’m going to seduce him

Roetard: “trade that shirt for your mail?”

Me: hahaha

Me: “Make out with me first or you don’t get your properly assessment”

Roetard: “i’d like to assess your property”

Me: “With my vagina”

Roetard: hahahahahahaha

+10

Me: “Suggestive wink”

“You just said suggestive wink out loud”

“Yes, I know that”

Roetard: “mmm, looks like valuations are rising”

Me: hahahahah

Roetard: I just rolled my eyes at myself

lol

Me: I said it in my head with a Kim Cattrall voice

Roetard: you know what’s fun to say in Kim Cattrall voice

alliteration names

Lorenzo Laaamas

did you just hear it in Kim?

heh

Me: Hahah I just said it out loud in Kim

Lorennnzo Laaaaaaaamasss

Aaaaaaalan Alllllda

Roetard: Mmmmm, Rachael Raaaay

it works, right?!

Me: Totally

Elizabeth: Hahahahaha… fuck. “With my vagina” made me choke on my drink.

On steampunk ballers

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 11:01:57 -0800

Me: I just told Shamus he needs to wear a monocle when he smokes

Elizabeth: He needs to wear a monocle ALL THE TIME.

Elizabeth: Or at least have it dangling from a chain.

Me: Agreed.

Me: He seemed into it

Me: we might be able to make this work

Elizabeth: I could see him pulling that off.

Me: Totally, right

Me: we’ll get him a bowler or something to go along with it

Me: and a waistcoat

Me: just steampunk the fuck out of him

Me: that’d actually be pretty sweet

Me: Steampunk Shamus

On creative lying to coworkers

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 10:51:46 -0800

Vincent:

As mentioned in today’s meeting we will have a little game at the next meeting during lunch. This game is one of my favourite games, it’s called My Little Secret.

What I need from each one of you is a little fact or secret about yourself that no one else knows in the office, but it is something you don’t mind sharing with others. It could be an achievement or something you did in childhood, a current hobby or interest. Please submit your secret or fact about yourself to me by end of day Friday. During our luncheon on Tuesday, we’ll guess who the secret/fact belongs to. Also if you have a fun photo of yourself (it could be related to your secret), please send it to me by end of day Friday.

If you have any questions please let me know.

Vincent: help me make up something

Me: You should say you’re into taxidermy

Vincent: whats that

Me: And then find a way to get a picture of yourself with a stuffed raccoon or something

Vincent: oh haha

Me: And then see how long you could keep up the joke

Vincent: they’d just think im a weirdo and talk behind my back

Me: They already do

Me: hahaha kidding, I don’t actually know if they do

Me: But probably, you are kind of weird

Vincent: haha

Me: But you know what would be so hilarious? One of them would eventually go “… are you really?” and then you could go

Me: http://i1226.photobucket.com/albums/ee413/ZenLikeCalm/Screen%20Shot/NopeChuckTesta-2.jpg

Vincent: haha they would believe it too

Me: Right!?

Me: It’s the perfect crime

Vincent: elizabeth is recommending the following

Oh, this could be fun. How about…

1. You were born a female.

2. You actually can’t read or write

3. You are an illegal immigrant

4. You once had a twin, but you killed it in utero and absorbed it as food

5. You once had a twin, but he’s been declared criminally insane and institutionalized… but the catch is YOU are actually the insane one and you tricked your twin into getting imprisoned

6. You are a secret ice dancing aficionado

7. You like to eat hippo

Me: I’m sticking by taxidermy

On bougie clothing

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 13:38:03 -0800

Me: God damn, look at what a good haul you got from ON
Roetard: :D always gir
i have an annual budget of $500ish and that lets me order a big box from them every quarter and buy shoooes
i figure i do okay for that
Me: No kidding
Roetard: some peeps spend that on like
one sock
Me: hahahaha
Roetard: fancy lambskin socks
or wait
nm
lol
Me: hahahahahaha
kid socks
studded with swarovski crystals
Roetard: bougie socks!
and each crystal is infused with a time-release scent of tom ford’s chest hair
Me: hahahahahahahahaha
Fuck you for Tom Ford’s chest hair
Roetard: i’d sniff it
ok
:P
Me: me too, gurl

On bougie snacks

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 12:45:35 -0800

Roetard: hahahah nice
i wonder what flavours of bougie chips i could make
lobster compote
wendy’s-not-mcdonald’s-cheeseburger flavour
soft linen
i think that’d be enough to start
Me: hahahahahah lobster compote
shut up
something with gold dust would be a good bougie chip
or like, white truffle
Roetard: hahahaha totes
truffleberry
Me: acai and gold leaf
brie and goji berries
Roetard: hhahah
mmmm
Me: totally right, eugh
Meyer Lemon and Ancho Chilies
I could do this all day
with my foodsnob knowledge
Roetard: totally
we found our calling
Me: Indeed!
Designer chips
Though I bet meyer lemon and ancho chilies would probs be tasty
creme fraiche and chipotle
caviar and creme fraiche blini chips
for your superbowl party
put them next to the hot wing lollipops

Part 2

Me: Omg I just scrolled up to copypasta the bougie chip discussion to Eliz, and I realized I totally missed out on SOFT LINEN!?!?!?!
I’m seriously rolling here
you suck so much
Roetard: hahaha
<3
they’d be so gross
but soft
like a potato dryer sheet
Me: and they would smell AMAZING.

animalstalkinginallcaps: HELLO, MY NAME IS MUFFINS AND I-...

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 12:39:10 -0800

animalstalkinginallcaps:

HELLO, MY NAME IS MUFFINS AND I- HAHAHAHA! DID I SAY MUFFINS?! I MEANT … MELISSA, OF COURSE. MY NAME IS MELISSA AND I’M FROM THE … FOOD DEPARTMENT. THERE’S BEEN A RECALL ON ALL THE TUNA FISH. I’M JUST GOING DOOR TO DOOR COLLECTING ALL THE DELICIOUS- I MEAN BAD, OBVIOUSLY! THE BAD TUNA FISH. YES. WOULDN’T WANT ANYONE GETTING SICK.

IF YOU COULD JUST OPEN ALL THE CANS AND POUR THE TUNA INTO THIS WAGON THAT WOULD BE GREAT. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

How topical. I just tagged something else as “disguises” so this was a nice surprise. Thank you, Internet. Thank you for your bounty.

On Idiots, Reports

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 12:29:29 -0800

Me: http://cdn-images.hollywood.com/cms/300x375/7236163.jpg
Elizabeth: HAHAHHAHAA… so Chris’ voicemail says NOTHING about the report.
Elizabeth: He goes on forever saying, “Oh I thought it would be nice to say hi and touch base before… blah blah blah”
Elizabeth: And then I get an email right after:
Elizabeth: “Oops… phone message didn’t communicate the important piece…

A client is asking for a printed copy to be mailed. Who should I forward this request to?” [Ed Note: our reports are all online and paperless now]

Elizabeth: What an idiot.
Elizabeth: Girl, I am just going to print out that facepalm pic and use an elastic to strap it to my actual face.
Me: hahahahahahahahahahahaahah

On Delivery Guys, Pizza

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 12:25:12 -0800

Vincent: why does the guy smell like pizza
Me: Because he’s delivering pizza, you knob
Vincent: he looks so dirty
Me: haha, I know right, he looks like The Penguin
Me: he’s the pizza penguin
Vincent: which company is it
Me: Pizza Factory, I think
Vincent: every pizza joint thats no named pizza hut fresh slice lil ceasars and dominos is named pizza factory
Vincent: do i really want to eat a pizza from a factory
Vincent: come on ppl
Vincent: that’s my comedy bit
Me: hahahahaha

On Forms

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 09:53:25 -0800

Me: Just thinking about this week
Me: and its bullshit
Elizabeth: Um. It is Tuesday, right?
Me: yes
Elizabeth: Remind me what’s happened this week?
Elizabeth: Other than phone crap.
Me: Oh, it’s what’s happenING this week
Elizabeth: Ooooh…
Me: the policy thing
Elizabeth: Oh fuck.
Elizabeth: Yes.
Me: Every time I sit down to start it I think “why the fuck does this apply to my job? It’s completely unnecessary. Doing this is retarded. Where do I even begin?” and then I get mad
Me: I ranted at Becky for like, 20 mins yesterday
Elizabeth: I know! So so so true.
Elizabeth: That was what working for Kelly was like ALL THE DAMN TIME.
Elizabeth: And then you get so mad you want to break shit.
Elizabeth: I swear it’s a form of torture.
Elizabeth: Psychological torture.
Me: It must be
Elizabeth: Man, I wish I had the template I made up for Ross when we worked together.
Elizabeth: It was just some random form Kelly wanted, so he did it up in Word and sent it to a couple of us to get feedback.
Elizabeth: I re-formatted the whole thing into coloured text with flashing letters and dancing clip art and fireworks and sent it back to him with a note that said, “Made a few minor design changes.”
Elizabeth: And he just about died.
Me: hahahahahahaha
Me: of course
Elizabeth: I should have saved that for you to use.
Me: No kidding
Elizabeth: “Here you go, Kelly. I think you’ll find this more than satisfactory.”
Me: Hahahaha
Me: And then watch her head implode
Elizabeth: Indeed. Now *that* would be satisfactory.

On Employee Value, Memes

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:27:35 -0800

Me: Stupid employee survey
Me: Your input matters except it doesn’t
Me: u mad bro
Elizabeth: Hahahahhaa… I wonder if there’s a section where you can upload pictures to help express the things we have difficulty saying.
Me: hahaha
Me: it’ll be this
Me: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/000/578/1234931504682.jpg
Me: plus this
Me: http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/epic-jackie-chan-template.png
Elizabeth: Hahahahaha…
Me: and a bit of this
Me: http://cdn-images.hollywood.com/cms/300x375/7236163.jpg

On idiots, deceased rappers

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 14:05:51 -0800

Elizabeth: That deserves a SMDH. An acronym that until now, I have always thought completely unnecessary.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH WOW
Elizabeth: You like that, eh?
Me: That email
Me: I just
Me: wow
Elizabeth: She’s so fucking annoying. I can’t STAND it.
Me: What’s SMDH? Suck my dick, ho?
Elizabeth: Shaking my damn head.
Me: Oh
Me: Mine’s better
Elizabeth: But I like yours better.
Me: hahaha yay
Elizabeth: Maybe not as mom-appropriate, but…
Me: It has a sort of rapper’s sensibility about it
Me: It’s my tribute to Left Eye

On fonts, ballers

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 11:53:00 -0800

Elizabeth: So, do you get a lunch today?
Me: i don’t actually know
Elizabeth: Stop being all fancy Calibri on me. Who do you think you are?
Elizabeth: Shamus?
Elizabeth: ;-)
Elizabeth: It’s weird. I feel like I’m talking to a stranger. Arial that shit up, bitch.
Me: Yeah, I was just like “why the fuck am I still writing in Calibri, what is this, Livejournal?”
Me: dkjsdngkjgs
Elizabeth: What am I visually impaired now?
Me: I hate this chat program.
Me: Does Shamus really write in Calibri?
Elizabeth: No, he’s just my new example of people who are either complete ballers or just fancy.
Me: Haha, nice
Me: I love that Calibri is fancy.
Me: I always relate it to Livejournal so it never feels fancy at all.
Me: More… teen angst
Elizabeth: Look, we are a plain folk out here on the commune.
Me: it’s the textual representation of teen angst
Elizabeth: Hahahahaha…
Elizabeth: It’s angsty/sarcastica.
Elizabeth: We need a Shamus meme.
Elizabeth: Do you know he traded in a bunch of fancy watches to get an even fancier watch?
Elizabeth: Who IS he? The Dos Equis guy?

On "The Littlest Hobo"

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 10:28:03 -0800

Elizabeth: He sent me a youtube link to The Littlest Hobo theme song.
Me: Hahahahaha
Me: uuuuuuuggghhhh that show
Elizabeth: On a thread about a pitbull that saved a lady and her child from being mugged.
Me: Hah, nice
Me: What a dork
Elizabeth: I watched the intro and laughed so fucking hard. The dog runs across a field with a fucking rifle in his mouth.
Me: Hahahahahahaha he does, I forgot about that
Elizabeth: I forgot how hilarious it was.
Me: That dog was like the Michael Landon of tv animals
Me: When I worked on the 6th floor, Silas used to walk by my desk humming that song
Me: just to drive me nuts
Elizabeth: TOTALLY the Michael Landon of tv animals. Totally.
Elizabeth: The song is so fucking catchy. I’ve been singing it all morning in my head.
Me: You mentioned it and it got stuck in my head
Elizabeth: “Maybe tomorrow, I’ll wanna settle down… until tomorrow, I’ll just keep movin’ on…”
Elizabeth: “Every stop I make, I make a new friend!”
Elizabeth: What a goody two shoes that bastard dog was.